The Ugliness of Working With Someone You Know: Monday Story From An Engineer's Echo
About feedbacks and hard feelings.
Hello friend! 👋
Basma here. Thank you for reading An Engineer's Echo. Your weekly publication of stories to equip you with the soft and hard skills to fast-track your growth in software engineering.
This letter is a “lesson learned”. I'm trying something new by writing quick stories that I think are valuable. You can expect these every other Monday. I'll still write longer, in-depth letters on the last Thursday of the month.
Let me know in the comments if you like the idea, or if you don’t!
I've always been avoidant of conflicts. Who likes conflicts, right? Well, some people do seek them out. I’ve seen that too.
On a personal level, I’m someone who thinks a lot about what others think of them. I've learned to manage this over the years, but it's still a challenge.
Let me tell you a story that happened to me recently.
I had a coworker with whom I also had a personal relationship outside of work. (I know, not ideal, but I didn’t choose it.) It went well for a few months. Then the yearly review came, and I had to give feedback like everyone else.
I was honest, giving both positives and negatives. I tried to be unbiased, despite my personal connection. I didn't worry about the tone because the feedback wasn't supposed to be shown directly to the person. Our manager usually compiles feedback into a report, summarizing it without naming who said what.
But our current skip manager, who was filling in, was very busy. She decided to take screenshots of every piece of feedback and share them in a Google Doc for “transparency.” This, of course, revealed who wrote what by context.
Had I known this, I would have written my feedback more considerately.
My coworker, who received my feedback, changed their behavior towards me. They became stricter and more distant. I suspected it was because of the screenshots.
They started skipping 1-1s with me, and I felt something was off. After a few months, I confronted them in a 1-1. I asked about their performance review. They mentioned an “odd” feedback. I asked who they thought wrote it, and they accused me of being a hypocrite, saying we both knew it was me.
They were upset about two bullet points. One was something I had mentioned before, which they claimed was a mistake. I explained that feedback covers the whole year, and even mistakes should be learning opportunities. The other point was about them taking too long on a task. They found my tone too direct and hurtful.
I agree, my tone was direct, but I assumed they wouldn’t read it.
This led to hard feelings on both sides. I felt disrespected, especially since I had helped them a lot. It was frustrating to be accused of wanting to harm them.
Long story short, here are some takeaways:
Clarify Expectations Early: Whether it's feedback processes or personal boundaries, make sure everyone involved knows what to expect from the beginning.
Document Everything: Keep a record of your communications and feedback. This helps in case of any misunderstandings later.
Maintain Professionalism: Even if you have personal relationships at work, always maintain a professional demeanor. This helps in separating work issues from personal feelings.
Seek Clarification: If you're unsure about a process or a decision, ask for clarification. Like in the above story, I should have asked the manager whether they would reveal the feedback to people. It's better to be informed than to assume and face unexpected consequences.
Manage Your Tone: Even if you think your feedback won't be read by the person, it's good practice to write it thoughtfully. You never know how things might change.
Be Prepared for Reactions: Understand that feedback, no matter how constructive, can be taken personally. Be ready to address any concerns or misunderstandings.
Build Trust: Consistently demonstrate that your feedback is meant to help, not harm. Building trust can help mitigate negative reactions.
Learn from Mistakes: Reflect on what went wrong and what you can do better next time. Every experience is a learning opportunity.
Communicate Openly: If issues arise, address them directly with the person involved. Open communication can resolve many conflicts before they escalate.
Support Your Feedback: Be ready to explain and back up your feedback with examples and constructive advice. This shows that your feedback is well-considered and fair.
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, let me know by hitting the like button ❤️ to help others find it on Substack, and share it to spread the love!
As a general rule, don't say anything about someone that you wouldn't say to their face.
Try reading back what you've written and consider how it would land with you if someone else wrote it about you.
I like this check list , I will add it to my toolkit.
Thanks for sharing Basma.